Sorry I can't make your office birthday party
I once got an office birthday card that all of my team signed. While most of the people who signed wrote something celebratory and personal, one person simply signed "Best, John." 🤣🤣🤣 I would rather that he just not signed it! But I can also relate. I've definitely been handed a card to sign for a colleague that I just didn't want to sign, and you probably have, too. We each have our own reasons for this, but we are all facing the same challenge - office celebration culture.
Office celebration culture is a term that captures the way our teams, organizations, and institutions recognize and honor major life events, from birthdays and anniversaries, to major holidays or institutional milestones. In a healthy work environment, these celebrations are often organic and employee-led. In more challenging work environments and teams, these celebrations can feel forced and cause employees to feel no small amount of angst. Don't get me wrong - I love joy, and I love sharing in joy with others. But I also don't like forced social situations. While I love celebrations, there are just some people I don't want to spend time with and some occasions I don't want to recognize, and that's okay. I'll give you an example.
One of the most difficult boundaries I had to enforce early in my career was around an office baby shower. Yes, a baby shower. Here's what happened. I worked with an amazing team that was small and close-knit. With very little turnover, and with how much time we spent together, my coworkers were like family. We cared about each other as professionals and as human beings. However, there was one person on our team that nobody was particularly fond of. This person was very standoff-ish. She never ate lunch with the team, even though most of us ate together almost every day. She rarely engaged in conversation that wasn't work related (and would even close her door if we were nearby casually talking!). And while several of us would connect outside of work, she never did.
When she became pregnant, it was exciting news. Most of us either were not ready to have children or our children were adults. There was going to be a new baby in the "family"! But this created a dilemma that I still think about to this day. See, this person wasn't just an outsider on an otherwise close team, she was particularly not nice to me, often treating me with condescension. So imagine my consternation when the team decided to throw her a baby shower. Everyone was asked to contribute financially to a gift and cake, and invited to attend an in-office shower.
When it comes to enforcing boundaries, the first thing you should do is recognize what you're feeling. In this situation, I felt strongly that I didn't want to contribute, but I also felt a sense of loyalty to and camaraderie with my colleagues that I was worried might be violated by not contributing.
The next thing to do is identify your options. Some boundaries are firm, but many boundaries live in a gray area where you have a range of options and have to find the balance between what feels right and true to you, and what is being asked of you. In this case, I could have just contributed to the gift and attended the party, but I clearly didn't feel comfortable with that. At the other end of the spectrum, I could have not contributed and not attended the party. But that also didn't feel right.
What types of boundaries was I having to navigate?
For me, it was about time (participating in an activity I was loathe to do), resources (giving money, when I had very little of it, to a woman who I thought clearly didn't like me), and energy (I had so much internal conflict over this!).
What did I do in this situation?
➡ I contributed a small amount of money that I could afford. It was a compromise, because I cared about my colleagues and I cared deeply what they thought of me. It didn't break the bank and was a gesture of goodwill. I would do the same thing today.
➡ I took the day off to attend an event that mattered more to me (perhaps it was serendipitous that it was planned on the same day), and I shared what I was doing and why it was important to me with my colleagues. So I gave myself an out, but one that wasn't petty (I hoped).
➡ I wished my colleague the best - and I signed the card with a personal note. No harm ever came from wishing other people joy.
I share this story because it is one that has shaped every office celebration I have encountered since. What I wish I had then was someone to talk to about what I was feeling. Office politics often pressures us to believe that we have to think or act in a certain way. The motivations for this belief are different - you may believe you are at risk of losing your job, or you worry about how you are perceived, or you want a promotion. What is the same is that we are all going to be confronted with having to do something for or with our co-workers that rubs us the wrong way. It is important to really explore what matters to you at work and whether what you are being asked to do aligns with those values.
Some things to keep in mind:
Create a culture where people want to celebrate each other first. You can do this by building personal connections with your colleagues, actively and voluntarily participating in team activities, and establishing trust.
Ensure celebrations are inclusive, accessible, and respect individual autonomy. If you are a manager or supervisor, think about ways that you can give people an "out" and also demonstrate respect for their choices. And we can all craft celebrations that allow people to contribute in a way that is comfortable to them - and that includes not contributing at all.
Be mindful of workplace policies that may shape your celebration. This includes what kinds of activities you're permitted to do on work time and rules around the use of work spaces, and also non-discrimination policies (again - be inclusive and respect people's choices!).
My thoughts on office celebration culture have evolved over time, and yours will, too. I chose today's quote because I believe that giving each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, and respect our diversity creates a workplace where we can give and receive in ways that honor our dignity and foster inclusion.
Explore a way to celebrate colleagues and participate in office celebration culture that is meaningful to you, and upholds the boundaries you have set for yourself in the workplace.
And please share! What's your experience with office celebration culture?